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[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.