Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
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Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
This kid will have a bright future.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops