If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
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My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Me: …
Dog: …
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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
…żyje?
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Kids, do not try this at home!
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank