Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
You Might Also Like
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Found my door mat
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.