Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
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Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
kids play hide and seek like
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam