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Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Some of yβall never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
The correct response to βI love youβ is βprove itβ
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and heβs already made it very clear that heβs planning on βNOT getting betterβ in time for school tomorrow.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend βthereβs no need to get so emotionalβ in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Every hotel is like: βYes weβll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!β
shaved my legs in case thereβs someone hot and single aboard the ufo
A diamond is forever, and so is my teenβs grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson