Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
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ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Breaking news:
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order