While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
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Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Bringing home a sharpie
Match dot com, but for socks.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure