Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
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Free him
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.