what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
You Might Also Like
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
New Tinder profile.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
The news
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story