“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
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google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management