uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
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when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM