Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
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Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Smile Twitter, Smile.