Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
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It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?