“and how does that make you feel?”
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Free him
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.