Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
You Might Also Like
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*