mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
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You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Oh the world we live in…
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.