The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
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Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Good advice.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Yup
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape