Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
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*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*