Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
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5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
🙄😏😂🤣
I love art.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Me, flirting😏
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?