My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
You Might Also Like
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.