Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
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As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.