I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
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My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.