Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
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One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell