@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
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“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Cat is stressing him out.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account