Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
You Might Also Like
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Golf would be better with landmines.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
This is I, Robot all over again
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.