I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
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[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
did it work
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈