i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
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I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Have kids, they said
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”