i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
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Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.