woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
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Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen