I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
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Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not