*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
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I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.