Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
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Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track