Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
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gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either