i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
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Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Oh the world we live in…
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.