My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
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Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
This squirrel eats better than I do
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.