I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
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Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Effort made
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
🚲+physics = winner
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.