The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
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the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!