Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
You Might Also Like
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting