My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
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Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket