The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
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ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.