airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
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Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
thinking about a very short hotdog
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.