[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
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[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Harsh but fair
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”