Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
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Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.