[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
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Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
⛄️
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…