When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
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I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes