My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
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I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard