I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
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Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
finally found a reasonable question
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
*skinny dips into black hole
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.