I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
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Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
My ideal weight is five million dollars
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener