[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
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My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
the three branches of government
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.